How Not to be a Doctor
by Ruthie
Summary: The doctors from 'Scrubs' are back, and SG-1 are more scared than ever. Part 2 Up
1. Default Chapter

Title: How not to be a Doctor  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Archive: Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net  
  
Details: SG-1/Scrubs crossover. Humour  
  
Summary: The SGC infirmary gets some new recruits from Sacred Heart Hospital. Elliot gets a crush on Jack and won't leave him alone, JD and Dr Cox fight for Sam's affections, Turk is convinced that he and Teal'c should be best buddies and the janitor takes an instant dislike to Daniel - Carla doesn't.   
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
You all know that Scrubs isn't mine, so don't even try to sue me for it.  
  
~ How not to be a Doctor ~  
  
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth  
  
**********  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that we have five new infirmary recruits and one new janitor arriving today. I hope you will make them feel welcome."  
  
Jack looked up from his folder.   
  
"Five? Why the hell do we need five?"  
  
"The more doctors the better, son."  
  
"And as for this janitor, I mean, why?"  
  
"We also need more janitors, son. There's a surprisingly large amount of chemical spills around the base and we need people to handle them."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Now, I want you all to report to the infirmary and meet the new staff before your latest mission. Janet will talk them through your pre-mission check-up."  
  
SG-1 all groaned.  
  
"Come on, people! Let's get to it!" Hammond ordered.  
  
**********  
  
"So...let me get this straight...they go and analyse deep-space radar telemetry?" JD asked Janet.   
  
"Yes, they do."  
  
"So, how come we have to do this? I mean - it's not like radars bite back, is it?"  
  
"Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Elliot - are you okay with this?"  
  
"Yes ofcourseIambutcanIaskyousomethingquickly?"  
  
"Elliot, calm down. I need to be able to understand you."  
  
"SorryDoctorFraiser, but..."  
  
Dr Cox sighed and strode over to her.   
  
"Barbie, you're really gonna have to speak slower, ya see, these military types - I know it's hard to understand - they are actually thicker than you, so you need to slow down!"  
  
"That's an assumption, Dr Cox, and one that you will find to be very wrong,"   
  
Janet said. "Carla? Turk? Are you ready?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"This is the point where Todd would want me to show him some love...but he's not here."  
  
"Ooh," said Dr Cox, "Good one, doctor - you keep those informative ideas comin'!"  
  
"Right. SG-1 will be arriving any moment, so Elliot and JD - I want you to take Major Carter, Carla, I want you to take Daniel, Turk - you can see Teal'c and Dr Cox - you can see Colonel O'Neill."  
  
"And...what are you going to do?" JD asked.   
  
"I'm going to watch you. Here they come now."  
  
JD goes into one of his dream states. He imagines himself as a tall, strong doctor with loads of muscles hauling the 'military types' in on a gurney and saving lives, earning himself a kiss from Janet. He abruptly snaps back to reality upon hearing footsteps.  
  
"Uh...Dr Fraiser...I'm a surgeon - I don't normally deal with things like this," Turk said, fiddling with a stethoscope.  
  
"I assure you, Turk, we will get you into surgery but there are no patients that need surgery at the moment. Besides, improving your bedside manner couldn't hurt, could it?"  
  
"No, ma'am."  
  
**********  
  
Jack was walking down the corridor behind Daniel when Daniel suddenly slipped on a patch of wet floor, and fell flat on his butt.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Jeez, the janitors around here should start doing their damned job!" Jack grunted, hauling Daniel back up onto his feet.   
  
"The janitor is doing his job around here," the janitor replied, holding his mop in front of him.   
  
"You must be the new janitor. Ah, I'm Daniel, and this is Jack."  
  
"Ah, the one who thinks I'm not doing my job," he said, looking cooly at Jack.   
  
"I...well..."  
  
"I'll be watching you, Jackie," he warned, before continuing down the corridor behind them.   
  
"Well, he was weird," Daniel commented.   
  
**********  
  
SG-1 entered the infirmary and came face to face with their new doctors and nurses.   
  
"Ohmygod!" Elliot shouted excitedly when she saw Sam, "You'reawoman!"  
  
Sam looked at Jack in despair.   
  
"Well, gee, Barbie, you're certainly following in Doctor Do-brains' footsteps - that was a good point!" Dr Cox said. "Alright, which one of you is Colonel O'Neill?"  
  
Jack held up his hand. "Me, sir!" he said, in a mocking tone.   
  
"Get yer butt over here," Dr Cox grunted. "Now, are you gonna be an itsy-bitsy baby girl and tell me to pull the curtain?"  
  
"Ohmygod! You'remajorcarter? You'rewithme!"   
  
"Oh, great," Sam smiled uneasily.   
  
"And me!" JD piped up, accidentally treading on Turk's stethoscope which was on the floor for some obscure reason.  
  
"Good luck, Carter!" Jack yelled, and then, "Ow! Watch where you're puttin' that, nursie!"  
  
"Oh, my God, did you just call me Nursie? Listen, dude, or whatever you like to call yourself, I am a medical professional and I will not be spoken to like that - in any way - so I suggest you can it because ultimately, I am the one holding the needle."  
  
"Hi," Carla smiled at Daniel. "You must be Daniel. I'm Carla."  
  
"Hi," Daniel smiled nervously.   
  
"It's okay - just a pre-mission check, nothing to worry about. Come with me."  
  
"Ah, you might want to draw the curtain round, Carla, these boys seem to be a bit woosy about their private parts."  
  
"Would you shut up?" Jack said. "For crying out loud, would you just get on with it?"  
  
Carter sat down on the bed as Elliot fussed around her, and JD looked off into space.   
  
"Ohmygodthisissoexciting!" Elliot smiled, wrapping the blood pressure cuff around Sam's elbow.  
  
"Uh...it goes lower than that, I think..." JD said, smiling sheepishly at Sam, "Look, give me that."  
  
He put the cuff in its correct place and took her blood pressure. Elliot was still talking excitedly.   
  
"Itmustbesocoolinthemilitary - withallthecuteguys!"  
  
"It's..uh...it's very hard, actually," she said, wincing as Elliot tested her reflexes, slamming the hammer down on her knee.   
  
"Why are you doing that?" Janet asked, sensing her friend's distress.  
  
"I'mjustcheckingherreflexes, DrFraiser."  
  
JD sighed and rolled his eyes. "That's you done, Major."  
  
He went into another dream state. Sam rose up from the bed and came towards him, taking his head in her hands and kissing him.   
  
"Thank you, doctor," she purred. JD smiled, and snapped out of his dream.   
  
"Uh...thank you doctor..." Sam repeated, "Could you...um...get out of the way?"  
  
"Oh, sure!" he laughed, "Sorry!!"  
  
Sam went over to the area where Jack was still being tortured by Dr Cox.  
  
"Carter!" he yelled.   
  
"Sir? Are you okay in there?"  
  
Dr Cox sighed and pushed back the curtain. "Relax, he's just being a little whiney about me sticking a needle in his - hello, ma'am, I didn't think they made them so pretty in the armed forces."  
  
Sam sighed in annoyance and walked away, Dr Cox staring after her.   
  
"Give up," Jack said, "That was the most pathetic chat-up line I have ever heard."  
  
"Oh yeah? And what would yours be? Uh...miss....could ya come and take a look at my rocket?"  
  
Teal'c raised his eyebrow as Turk finished the examination.  
  
"Can I just say, it's so cool to meet another dude like myself," he smiled, "It's been a pleasure, T!"  
  
"My name is Teal'c, and I am not like you," he replied, getting up and walking out of the infirmary.  
  
"That's you all done," Carla smiled, pulling back the curtain and watching Daniel go. Turk eyed her suspiciously.  
  
"He was c-ute," Carla smiled, "But not as cute as you, baby."  
  
"I'm now really quite sure that you're doing this to piss me off," Jack said.  
  
"Go on, get outta here grandpa," Dr Cox said, pulling back the curtain.  
  
"Grandpa?" Jack squeaked.  
  
**********  
  
SG-1 stepped through the gate and sighed in relief.   
  
"What did you think of them?" Daniel asked. "Carla was nice."  
  
"Elliot was...." Carter shuddered..."Enthusiastic."  
  
"Dr Cox was just plain evil," Jack said. Sam grinned.  
  
"You're just annoyed because he can out-sarcasm you."  
  
"He cannot! Nobody can out-sarcasm Jack O'Neill!"  
  
"Dr Turk was also a little too enthusiastic. I do not believe that they have been briefed regarding the Stargate."  
  
"Oh, hell. Well, let's try our damndest not to get injured."  
  
**********  
  
"Well, Colonel O'Neill was quite possibly the oldest man I have ever seen - including my own father, I might add."  
  
"Aw, I thoughthewaskindacute!" Elliot giggled.  
  
"Nah. Daniel, maybe." Carla interjected.  
  
"Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your important conversation, but shouldn't we be talking about their medical histories, rather than their distinguishing features?" JD asked.   
  
Dr Cox snorted. "Come on, Newbie, you were all over Major Carter!" he laughed.   
  
"Well, hello, ma'am, I didn't think they made them so pretty in the armed forces." JD said, imitating Dr Cox's voice.  
  
Dr Cox glared at him.   
  
"Newbie, you have no idea how to charm women. I bet you Major Carter would go out with me before she went out with you."  
  
JD shook his head. "She wants me."  
  
**********  
  
"FALL BACK!" Jack yelled, blasting at the encroaching jaffa with all of his might.   
  
"Dammit, Jack! We're surround - AAGH!"  
  
"Daniel!"  
  
"Daniel's taken a hit, sir - AGH!"  
  
"Sam!"  
  
"Major Carter has taken a hit, O'Neill."  
  
"AGH!"  
  
"You have taken a hit, O'Neill."  
  
"Teal'c, I know that."  
  
**********  
  
"Unscheduled offworld activation!"  
  
"Who is it?" General Hammond asked.  
  
"It's SG-1, sir."  
  
"Open the iris!" he ordered.   
  
Teal'c walked through the gate carrying Jack, and Sam with her arm around Daniel.   
  
"Medical team to the gateroom!" he ordered.   
  
"No!" Daniel moaned.  
  
Janet appeared in the gateroom with her non-crazy staff to escort them up to the infirmary.   
  
"Please..." Sam begged, holding onto her injured side, "Don't let Elliot near me."  
  
**********  
  
"Turk!" Janet yelled, "Scrub in NOW!"  
  
"Y..yes ma'am!" Turk said, turning round and quickly running into the door.  
  
"Dr Cox, you take Major Carter. She's taken a major hit to her left side, bleeding profusely. JD! You take Daniel - he's taken a hit to his arm, needs cleaning up and possibly stitches. Carla - you see to Jack - he's taken a minor hit just above his knee, needs cleaning up and stitching. Elliot - you make sure that Teal'c is okay!"  
  
Teal'c gave Janet a withering look.   
  
**********  
  
Dr Cox examined the wound on Sam's side.  
  
"You're gonna need surgery," he said.  
  
"Oh, jeez..." Sam moaned.  
  
"I know," he said, "Trust me, I'd be saying the same if I knew that Turk would be operating on me. Good luck."  
  
**********  
  
"Where's she going?" Jack asked, shifting in the bed as he saw Carter being wheeled out of the room.  
  
"Probably to surgery, Jack, I want you to relax."  
  
"But..but..Carter!" he shouted, "Dammit, I want to see her."  
  
"Jack! Stay still, or I will get one of my needles!" Janet ordered, coming over to him. "I'm going in with her - she'll be fine."  
  
**********  
  
"Hi!" Turk squealed, putting the mask over Sam's face, "You're my new patient! Nothing to worry about, I know exactly what I'm doing!"  
  
Sam watched him pick up an instrument off of the steel tray and looked at it suspiciously.  
  
"Dr Turk..." whispered one of the nurses, "That's a fork."  
  
"Oh, shit!" Sam moaned, falling unconscious before she could do anything else.  
  
**********  
  
"Daniel, you're gonna be fine," JD said confidently, walking away, tripping over his stethoscope which, again, was on the floor, and falling flat on his face.  
  
Daniel rolled his eyes and called over to Teal'c.   
  
"Teal'c! You okay?"  
  
"I am in need of assistance, Daniel Jackson!" he shouted, as Elliot began to examine his tattoo.  
  
"Ohmygod! Thatissocool!"  
  
"Dr Reed, could you please get off of my leg," Teal'c said.   
  
"Wheredidyougetitfrom?" she asked, touching it. "OHMYGOD!   
  
Isthatgold?Isthatreallygold?"  
  
"Doctor Fraiser!" Teal'c yelled.  
  
**********  
  
"Sam? Sam, can you hear me?" Janet asked, looking down at her friend.  
  
"Hey," she said, trying to move but failing.  
  
"You're fine - Dr Turk did a brilliant job."  
  
At that moment, Turk walked into the room.   
  
"Hey! Uh...has anyone seen my car keys?"  
  
**********  
  
"I wanna see Sam now!" Jack said.   
  
"Well, grandpa, you're gonna have to stop pissing around, you can't see her because she's just come out of surgery."  
  
"STOP CALLING ME GRANDPA!"  
  
"Well, if you insist, but a far worse fate awaits you."  
  
Dr Elliot Reed came bounding up to him.   
  
"Hi Jack!" she smiled.   
  
"Hey, Elliot."  
  
"CanIjustsaythatIthinktyou'rereallycute!"  
  
"Well...uh...thank you," said Jack, holding back a wince of disgust as she leant forwards over him.   
  
"We could...get together after work.."  
  
"Barbie!" Dr Cox warned, "Careful! You'll take his eye out!"  
  
**********  
  
Teal'c got up and went to his quarters for some peace. He was beginning his kelno'reem when there was a knock on the door and Turk bounded in.   
  
"Hey dude! Just thought I'd come and see how my pal was getting on!"  
  
Turk cast a look around the room and smiled as he saw all the candles.  
  
"Dude, are you doin' voodoo or something?"  
  
"I am not," Teal'c glowered, giving Turk his best 'leave me alone' look. It didn't work.   
  
"Oh - you're meditating! That is waaay cool!" Turk grinned, sitting down in a place where he really shouldn't have.   
  
Teal'c sighed, deeply.   
  
"Doctor Turk, your rear end is igniting."  
  
"Wha - AAAGGGHHH! MY BUTT'S ON FIRE!"  
  
**********  
  
Daniel decided to get up for a walk. He passed Sergeant Siler's office and smiled, taking another step - straight onto a banana skin.   
  
"Ow!" he said, rubbing his back, "Damned Janitor."  
  
The janitor appeared.   
  
"I do my job all day, and scum like you come along and drop litter. I'm ashamed."  
  
"But I..." Daniel protested.   
  
"I don't want to hear it!" the janitor said, picking up the banana skin and putting it on his head. "There - now you have a hat."  
  
He walked away, deliberately sliding his mop over Daniel's shoe so that he fell over again the minute he tried to stand up.  
  
**********  
  
Sam woke up again to see Jack sitting beside her.   
  
"Colonel. Oh, thank goodness you're not Elliot."  
  
"You don't have to worry - she's off with Janet at the moment."  
  
"Then I have to worry for Janet?"  
  
"Uh huh. Look...uh...Elliot wants to go out with me."  
  
Sam made a choking noise.   
  
"You do what you want, sir."  
  
Jack paled. "For the love of god, Carter! I don't want to go out with her! I just can't find a way to tell her!"  
  
At that point, JD and Doctor Cox burst into the room. They tried to go through the door at the same time, which didn't work, and JD ended up with his face pressed into the doorframe as Dr Cox shoved past him.   
  
"Hello, Major Carter," he looked at Jack, "Could ya give us a few minutes?"  
  
Jack stood up and momentarily glared at him, walking out of the room just as JD managed to get his nose back into the right shape.   
  
"How are you feeling?" Dr Cox asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed, "Can I get you anything?"  
  
"No, I'm fine thankyou," she said.   
  
"Can I take you to dinner?" JD asked from the doorway.   
  
Sam was taken aback. "Well..."  
  
"Or, you could go with me," Dr Cox said, glaring at JD.  
  
"Oh, you don't wanna go out with him!" JD smiled, "He's just old and sarcastic and..." his voice trailed off as he saw the expression on Dr Cox's face.  
  
"And Dorothy here is still a virgin to the dating scene," he replied, "So ya might not have a very good night of it."  
  
"I thought it was just dinner," Sam smiled.  
  
"Ooh, she wants me," JD smiled, going into another of his dreams.   
  
He sat in a restaurant with Sam, laughing and joking. She leant over the table and kissed him, whilst the janitor walked past, wiping the floor with Dr Cox.  
  
He snapped out of the dream when he saw Sam looking at him in confusion.  
  
"I'll be going, then," he said, "The offer's still on, though."  
  
He walked backwards out of the door, tripping over a can and falling onto his butt again.   
  
"You really don't wanna go out with him," Dr Cox explained.  
  
**********  
  
Teal'c fetched a bucket of water and got Turk to sit in it for a few moments.   
  
"Aaaahhhhh....dude, you are now even more my best friend - you saved my life!" he grinned.   
  
Teal'c covered his face with his hand and bit back the urge to scream.  
  
**********  
  
Jack was in his office when there was a knock on the door.   
  
"Yeah?" he asked.   
  
"Hi, Jack!"  
  
Elliot walked in, clad only in her underwear.  
  
"Uh...Elliot...where are your clothes?"  
  
"I don't know, and I don't care, Jack."  
  
Jack began to back away as she came closer to him. There was another knock on the door, and Siler entered.  
  
"Colonel - I...Oh! Sorry, Colonel, I didn't realise that you were busy."  
  
"No!" Jack shouted in desperation, "Siler!"  
  
"Come on, Jack," Elliot grinned, "You know you want me!"  
  
"Nnnnnooooo!"  
  
**********  
  
"I'd love to go to dinner with you," Sam smiled, as Dr Cox inflated with pride to about three times his size.  
  
"Thank you," he said.  
  
**********  
  
"I'd love to go to dinner with you," Sam smiled, as JD inflated with pride to about three times his size.  
  
"T..thank you," he said.  
  
Sam just smiled to herself. Sure, dinner was going to consist of an infirmary meal, but she would have the added entertainment of Dr Cox and JD's arguing.  
  
**********  
  
Jack ran out of his office in terror, looking for somewhere to hide. His shirt was ripped and hanging off of him, his hair was tousled and there was a lipstick smudge on his cheek.   
  
"Jack!" Elliot called, running down the corridor after him.   
  
"She won't be able to get me in here," Jack said, running into the men's toilets and locking the door of one of the cubicles.  
  
**********  
  
Later that evening, Dr Cox and JD both made their way to Sam's room, totally unsuspecting.  
  
Janet was talking to Sam.  
  
"You didn't! Sam, you're wicked!"  
  
"What's on the romantic menu tonight?" Sam asked.   
  
"Macaroni cheese and blue jello."  
  
"Sweet. That should sure get a romantic atmosphere going."  
  
**********  
  
Teal'c picked Turk up by his leg and practically threw him out of the room.   
  
"Seeya later, buddy!" said Turk, from outside the door.   
  
Teal'c clasped his face with his hands and tried to calm himself down.  
  
**********  
  
Daniel was limping back to his lab when he saw Carla.  
  
"Hey, Daniel, are you alright?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah, I just had a run-in with the janitor," he said sheepishly.  
  
"Oh, ignore him!" Carla smiled, "He just needs somebody to hurt. He does it to Bambi all of the time."  
  
"Uh..bambi?" Daniel asked.  
  
"It's my nickname for JD. He hates it."  
  
**********  
  
"What the hell are you doing here?" Dr Cox shouted.  
  
"What the hell are you doing here?" JD shouted in reply.  
  
**********  
  
"Jack, I know you're in there - you're just gonna have to come out, I know you can't resist me for much longer," Elliot purred.   
  
Jack began to cry.   
  
**********  
  
"Well, thank you, gentlemen," Sam smiled, "I really enjoyed myself."  
  
"Yeah..." said JD, glaring at Dr Cox.  
  
"Yeah..." said Dr Cox, glaring at JD.  
  
"I hope I can see the two of you again, sometime," Sam smiled.  
  
**********  
  
Jack stayed in the toilet all night. Daniel stayed in his lab all night. Sam was in the infirmary all night, and Teal'c was in a state of kelno'reem all night.   
  
When they woke up, however, they all found themselves in the infirmary.   
  
"It's okay," Janet soothed, "They're gone. They were only here for a day."  
  
"What a relief," Sam smiled.  
  
"However - they will be coming back for another day in the next few months," Janet said carefully.   
  
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
**********  
  
THE END  
  
Please R&R! I crave feedback! 


	2. Chapter 2: ReAppointment

Title: How not to be a Doctor: Re-Appointment  
  
Feedback to: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net   
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Archive: Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net  
  
Details: SG-1/Scrubs crossover. Humour. If you like the Black Eyed Peas, I apologise.   
  
Summary: As promised, they're back - and SG-1 are more scared than ever.   
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
You all know that Scrubs isn't mine, so don't even try to sue me for it. Same goes for the Black Eyed Peas. I have nothing to do with them.   
  
~ How not to be a Doctor: Re-Appointment ~  
  
Copyright © 2004 Ruth  
  
**********  
  
Sam and Janet sat in the infirmary, drinking coffee and talking about the day that had just passed. The main piece of gossip that was circulating the SGC at that moment was that Teal'c was 'getting it on' with a lieutenant from SG-18. They were discussing how likely this was when they heard some footsteps heading towards the office. Or rather, bounding towards the office.  
  
"Hi! Ohmygodit'ssogoodtobeback!" Said the voice shrilly.   
  
Sam and Janet looked at each other with a mixture of disbelief and horror.   
  
"Uh…hi, Doctor Elliot." Sam offered, forcing a smile.  
  
"Wow!Areyouhavingagossipsession?Ooh!CanIjoinin?" She giggled, pulling up a chair and sitting between Sam and Janet.  
  
"Sure," Janet smiled.   
  
Outside, Daniel was walking along the corridor to see Jack. He entered the elevator, acknowledging the man next to him with a nod. He pressed the button for the commissary and waited, whistling cheerfully.  
  
"What have you got to be so happy about?" The man asked him.   
  
Daniel frowned, and turned to look at the man in the elevator with him. When he realised who it was, he let out a shriek and crashed back into the wall.  
  
"Hey, Danielle. My litter-dropping friend! Well, I have to be here tonight, instead of being at my son's class play!"  
  
"Oh," Daniel said, keeping his distance from the Janitor, "I'm sorry."  
  
"The Jungle Book!" He sniffed, "And you're not sorry. You think just because your uniform says 'doctor' and mine says 'janitor' that you're better than me, don't you?"  
  
"No." Daniel replied shortly, wondering why the elevator was taking so damned long.  
  
**********  
  
Teal'c sat quietly in his room, concentrating on his Kelno'reem. He was enjoying the peace, watching the flickering of the candles he had placed around himself, when it was shattered by a voice he was all too familiar with.  
  
"Hey! T man! Buddy!"  
  
Teal'c's eyebrow nearly hit the roof. He ran over to his door, and only just locked it in time.   
  
"Uh…T Man - your door is locked!" Turk laughed, "Would you mind opening it?"  
  
"Indeed I would!" Teal'c replied, fear rippling through him.   
  
"Come on, dude!" Turk insisted, "Don't make me show the door some love!"  
  
Teal'c shuddered, and once more made for the sanctuary that was hidden beneath his bed. He stuffed a pillow over his head and waited for Turk to go away.   
  
**********  
  
Jack whistled as he strolled along towards the infirmary - he could already see Janet and Sam having their coffee chat. It amused him to think of them doing this - like a pair of housewives. He frowned in confusion as he saw Sam violently shaking her head at him, mouthing: 'Go Away.'   
  
He smirked. Oh, now he was going to have to go in to find out what she was so embarrassed about. If it annoyed Carter, he would do it. Happily, he strode up to the infirmary door, threw it open and looked into the room before him.   
  
"Ohmygod! Jackitssogoodtoseeyou! I'mstillinlovewithyou! Comeheresexy!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" Jack screamed, turning on his heel and running out of the infirmary, with Elliot close on his heels. Sam and Janet were torn somewhere between laughter and tears as they watched Jack sprinting for his life.   
  
"I've got to get back to my lab," Sam said, "Keep an eye out for JD and Dr Cox, would you? The last thing I need is to run into them again."  
  
"Sure thing," Janet smiled, "And be careful out there, honey. Those people are crazy."  
  
"You too," Sam said, and left.  
  
**********  
  
"Lauren, honey, there really is absolutely no point in you doing this, as I - being of a much more attractive and intelligent species, have one thousand chances greater than you of making it with Sam." Dr Cox boasted, as they went into Sam's lab.  
  
"Okay, stop with the girls' names," JD protested, "And who says she'll go for you? Maybe she doesn't like fossil hunting!"  
  
Oh Yes! JD thought, one up to me! He went into another of his dream states, where Sam walked in, swept him off of his feet and carried him into the storage cupboard. Dr Cox brought him abruptly out of it with a slap.  
  
"Listen, Hazel darling, at least I know a condom when I see one. Not forgetting your incident a couple of days ago, are we?" Cox sneered.  
  
"I…It looked like an aspirin!" JD protested, "Anyone could have made the same mistake!"  
  
"Whatever, sweet cheeks," Cox said, laying a bouquet of red roses on Sam's desk, "Let's see whether stupidity triumphs over grandeur tonight, shall we?"  
  
With that, he swept calmly out of the room, stopping only for a brief moment when his coat got caught in the door, hoping that JD didn't see it.   
  
"We'll see whether charm triumphs over pig-headedness tonight," JD smiled, placing his box of chocolates on the table, "Oh, Sam! You have to be mine!"  
  
In his dream, he walked into Sam's office to find her sitting on the desk, waiting for him. Dr Cox had been stuffed headfirst in the bin, his feet waving about all over the place. JD smirked, and looked back at Sam.  
  
"What are you doing in my lab?" She purred, drawing him closer.   
  
"I…" JD stammered, his mouth twisting into a smile.  
  
"What are you doing in my lab?" Sam repeated, much more harshly this time. JD did not answer her, and began to drool.   
  
"Oh, holy Hannah!" She groaned in disgust, "JD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"  
  
That snapped him out of his dream.  
  
"Oh! Hi, Major Carter, I…"  
  
At that moment, Dr Cox came running back into her lab, careening into JD and knocking him into the bin.   
  
"Hello, Sam," he smiled, "Long time no see, huh?"  
  
"Yeah," she agreed, pulling JD out of the bin as carefully as she could, "And I was just starting to feel safe again."  
  
Dr Cox laughed a loud and extremely fake laugh. JD sneered at him. Sam rolled her eyes.  
  
"Can I help you gentlemen?" She asked, knowing what their response would be.  
  
**********  
  
"Jackwhyareyouhidingfromme?" Elliot giggled, pounding on the door of the men's toilets. Colonel Makepeace gave her a funny look, and entered the toilets to find Jack hiding in a cubicle, crying.   
  
"Jeez, Colonel!" Makepeace smirked, "How'd you get landed with that?"  
  
"Robert, please God! You have got to help me!" Jack begged, grabbing hold of Makepeace's boot.   
  
"Argh! Get off of my foot, you gibbering fool!" Makepeace snarled, kicking at Jack until he let go. "How can I possibly help you?"  
  
"I…I don't know, create a distraction! Tell her I've gone somewhere else, anything! Just get me out of here!" He said shrilly.  
  
"Okay, okay, calm down!" Makepeace said, going outside to where Elliot was still waiting…but her clothes were not.  
  
"Jeepers!" Makepeace exclaimed.  
  
"IsColonelOneillstillinthere?" Elliot asked, smiling innocently.  
  
"I…uh…well…No! No, he went to the commissary!" Makepeace said.   
  
"Oh,thanks!" Elliot grinned, and went running off down the corridor.   
  
"Coast is clear, O'Neill!" Makepeace said, opening the toilet door, "I'd run and hide somewhere if I were you, and stay there for a very long time."  
  
"Thanks, Robert, I owe you one," Jack said, exiting the toilet.   
  
"Yeah, you do," Robert agreed, and left for his office, decidedly amused.   
  
**********  
  
When Daniel finally felt the elevator shudder to a stop he couldn't get out of it quick enough.  
  
"You just remember that!" The janitor shouted after him.   
  
Daniel turned around to see the janitor giving him the finger as the doors closed. He breathed a sigh of relief, and turned around only to be bowled over by a very naked Elliot.   
  
"Oh My God!" Daniel exclaimed.  
  
"HiDaniel! Iwasjustlookingforjack,haveyouseenhim?"  
  
"No," Daniel said, adding a small, "Sorry."  
  
"Noproblem," she giggled, "I'lljustkeeplooking!"  
  
Daniel groaned, and tried to get up from the floor. He failed, and just laid there for a while, until he heard a voice, and a hand tried to help him up.   
  
"Doctor Jackson?"  
  
It was Carla, the only sane member of the Sacred Heart Hospital staff.  
  
"Hey," he said weakly, "I just…Elliot ran into me. She's gone on the rampage again."  
  
"I know," Carla smiled, "And your scientist friend is stuck in her lab with JD and Dr Cox. Turk has been pounding on Teal'c's door for three hours now. I am sorry for the way that they behave. It's…well, it's not really any different to the way they behave normally."  
  
"Well, that's…encouraging," Daniel said. "In a kind of…un-encouraging way."  
  
"Come on," Carla said, "Let's go rescue Teal'c."  
  
**********  
  
"Turk, will you please desist?" Teal'c pleaded, "I will give you money, anything, just abandon me in solitary existence!"  
  
"But I want to see your candle collection!" He chirped, "I know! I'm gonna call you Lord of the Flame!"  
  
"Good for you," Teal'c replied hotly, "Now please leave!"  
  
"Nah, I can't leave! There's no surgery that needs doing, and Doctor Fraiser told me to go and get lost, so you're my only friend!"  
  
"I am not your friend," Teal'c snarled, "And I will not grant you entrance to my chamber. Leave."  
  
"Hey, I brought along a CD you might like!" Turk said cheerily, still having not got the message.   
  
Teal'c groaned as the song 'Shut up' by the Black Eyed Peas began to boom through the walls of his room.   
  
"Shut up, just shut up, shut up. Shut up, just shut up, shut up."  
  
"AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!" Teal'c shouted, "Have you not thought that there is a hidden message in this song for you, Turk?"  
  
"Hmm…" Turk said, thinking hard, "YES! It's telling me to talk more! Wow, I'm glad I got that cleared up!"  
  
"May the Lord of the Tau'ri give me strength," Teal'c said, with a shudder.   
  
**********  
  
"Would you go to dinner with me?"  
  
"Would you go to dinner with me?"  
  
Sam put her head in her hands, as a fight broke out between JD and Doctor Cox.  
  
"Dammit, Angie, why must you continue to embarrass yourself by asking out a woman who is way above your level?" Dr Cox asked, giving JD a small shove.  
  
"Stop calling me girl's names!" JD squeaked, shoving him back.  
  
"STOP IT, THE PAIR OF YOU!" Sam shouted, "Now, I will talk to you one at a time! Ok? One at a time! JD, you're first. Doctor, please leave."  
  
"But…" Dr Cox protested, not enjoying the smug look on JD's face.   
  
"Go! Please - I'll speak to you next," Sam reassured him, "Don't worry."  
  
Giving JD a final shove for good measure, Dr Cox left the lab.   
  
"JD," Sam smiled, "I would very much like to go to dinner with you - but can I call you later to arrange the details?"  
  
"Sure!" JD almost squealed with excitement, "Here's my number!" He scribbled it down on a highly important piece of paperwork that made Sam cringe, and bounded out of the room. Dr Cox entered, and closed the door behind him.  
  
"Doctor Cox," she smiled, "I would very much like to go to dinner with you - but can I call you later to arrange the details?"  
  
"Yes, ma'am," Dr Cox smirked, "Here's my number!" He picked up the second piece of highly important paperwork and wrote his number on it, not noticing Sam flinch as she thought of how long it would take her to type out another copy.   
  
"I'll see you later," she promised, and sighed with relief as he left the room.  
  
**********  
  
Jack sighed in relief as he ran into the infirmary, to find that only Janet was there.   
  
"Colonel? Are you okay?" She asked, concerned that he was out of breath and looked terrified.  
  
"Elliot…" he panted, "Is chasing me…and she's wearing no clothes."  
  
"Oh my God!" Janet exclaimed.   
  
"You're telling me!" Jack laughed fearfully, looking over one shoulder, and then the other. "Would you do me a hugely massive favour and tell Elliot that I've left the mountain if you see her?"  
  
"Whydon'tyoutellmeyourself?" She said, followed by a high-pitched giggle.   
  
"Oh…Elliot…I…" Jack stammered, backing away to stand behind Janet only to find that she had already fled.   
  
"Whereareyougoing? CanIcometoo?" She asked, advancing on him.   
  
"Uh…no - Elliot, it might be nice for you to put some clothes on." Jack suggested.  
  
"Why? Don'tyoulikemybody?" She asked, still pushing him closer to the wall. He felt like a mammoth being stalked by a tiger.   
  
"Yes," he said carefully, "But I like it better with clothes on."  
  
"Really?" She squeaked, "Justgivemeaminuteandi'llputsomethingon!"  
  
Jack took that moment when Elliot went to change, and ran for his life. Having just told her that he liked her body, he was undoubtedly doomed. Just as he was running down the corridor, he ran into Sam, who was running the opposite way.   
  
"Carter!"  
  
"Colonel!"  
  
"Who are you running from?" he asked, nervously looking over his shoulder.   
  
"JD and Dr Cox. You?" she asked, also looking behind her.   
  
"Elliot," Jack said grimly, "Is there somewhere that we can hide?"  
  
"Well…it'd be a bit tight, but…no, we can't." Sam mumbled.  
  
"Oh,Jack!" came a shrill voice. Jack's hand clenched Sam's arm.  
  
"Wherever it was, take me there NOW!" He said, in a harsh whisper.   
  
"Okay, but don't shout at me later," Sam warned, pulling him across the corridor and shoving him and herself into the stationary cupboard.   
  
The two of them remained deathly quiet as they heard Elliot making her way down the corridor.   
  
"Oh, Jack? Jackwhereareyou? I'mwearingsomethingnice! Likeyousaidyouliked!"  
  
Sam looked at Jack and smirked. He gave her a look that would have reduced a lesser man to tears, but she had to stuff her fist into her mouth to keep from laughing.   
  
"Jack! Oh, Oh! Dr Cox! HaveyouseenJack?" She asked. Sam felt herself begin to blush, and this time it was Jack who smirked.   
  
"Barbie, why don't you leave the poor man alone? His IQ can barely be above 40 as it is, but you would probably reduce it even further. Besides, have you seen Major Carter?"  
  
"No," Elliot frowned, "WhywouldIhaveseenher?"  
  
"She and I are going out to dinner later," he said, loud enough for Jack to hear, "I wanted to finalise the arrangements with her."  
  
Jack looked at Sam, wide-eyed in disbelief. She shrugged innocently.   
  
"Whyareyouseeingher?" Elliot demanded, "She'smilitary,too. She'scompletelyfrigid, don'tyouknowthat?"  
  
Sam bit back a gasp, and Jack smirked, trying hard not to laugh.   
  
"Barbie, sweetheart, just because she doesn't go leaping into bed with every Tom, Dick and Air Force person doesn't make her frigid - it means she has standards. You could do with taking a leaf out of her book."  
  
With that, Dr Cox strode away, still confident that his dinner meeting with Sam that night would be the best evening he had ever spent. He'd be able to rub it in JD's face the next day.  
  
Finally, when Elliot had left the corridor, Sam and Jack escaped from the cupboard and into her office. Sam went into her bag to get her phone, but Jack was starting a tirade.  
  
"What's this about you going to dinner with Dr Cock?" He shouted.   
  
"It's Cox," she corrected, "And would you shut up a minute?"  
  
Jack watched as she dialled a phone number he didn't recognise and waited.   
  
"Hello? Dr Cox, it's Sam. I'll be at O'Malley's tonight, at about 8. I'll see you there."  
  
"You can't go to O'Malley's!" Jack protested, "That's SG-1's place!"  
  
"Like I said," she smiled, "Shut up for a minute and all will become clear."  
  
She dialled another number and waited. Jack began to tap his foot impatiently.   
  
"Hello? JD, it's Sam. I'll be at O'Malley's tonight, at about 8. I'll see you there."  
  
"You can't go there with both of them!" Jack shouted, "I…I won't allow it!"  
  
Sam smiled, and Jack saw an evil twinkle in her eye that was reminiscent of her father's.  
  
"I'm not going to O'Malley's tonight," she grinned.  
  
Jack finally understood, and gave his 2IC a slap on the back that was so hard she nearly fell over.   
  
"Brilliant, Carter - I never knew you had it in you."  
  
**********  
  
Teal'c was finally rescued from the impending doom of Turk's CD collection later that afternoon, when Carla dragged him away.   
  
**********  
  
Daniel took great care not to meet the janitor again, and as far as we know, said janitor never did get to see his kid in 'The Jungle Book.'  
  
**********  
  
Jack fortunately evaded Elliot for the rest of the day, but just to be sure he left the SGC with a paper bag on his head.  
  
**********  
  
And as for JD and Dr Cox? They both turned up at O'Malley's to find that Sam wasn't there. A brawl ensued, and they were thrown out. As far as we know, they are still planning on asking her out again.   
  
**********  
  
THE END  
  
Author Notes: This was quite popular the first time round, so I decided to write a sequel. What do you think? Please send feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net 


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